Yesterday, during our break-up conversation, SG said that he didn’t think there was a spark between us. That hurt. But it also got me thinking and going back over certain events in our relationship.
I haven’t written in a while, mainly because I can’t imagine that many people want to read about my fluctuating feelings for SG. So rather than talking about that, I thought I’d write about some of SG’s less-than-perfect characteristics. I started this particular blog with a post about the good things, so here’s the rest…
- He’s very reserved and shy – he’s not at all demonstrative and never talks about his feelings. We’ve been dating for almost a year now and I don’t really know how he feels about me. Sometimes I wonder if he’s just settling. I know he wants to be in a serious relationship and to have children and I know I tick a lot of boxes for him. And occasionally I look at him sitting on the other end of the sofa, watching TV, obvivious to me – and maybe he’s just engrossed in whatever programme, but maybe he’s just not that excited by me. I don’t know and he doesn’t say. It does seem strange though, after eleven months, not to know if he’s fallen in love with me.
- He wants a quiet life; I don’t – I like exploring and I like having adventures and trying new things and travelling off the beaten path. SG likes gardening and pottering about the house and holidays in Western Europe. Generally it’s fine: he’s learnt that I’m quite restless and like to be out taking advantage of everything London has to offer and he picks up a copy of Time Out every week and finds something in there that we can do. It’s sweet in fact – and I do appreciate it. But I also wish that he wanted to do it for himself, that he had the same urge to explore as I have. And it’s potentially a bit of a problem holiday-wise. I really want to go to Central Asia and I’ve been saving to do just that for ages. But whenever I talk to him about it, he just goes silent and won’t engage with him on it. I know he really doesn’t want to go and when I think about a lifetime with someone who doesn’t want to (and won’t) go to the places I dream about visiting, I feel a bit downhearted.
- We don’t have enough sex – I feel bad writing that as I know he’d hate me to be sharing it, but it is an issue for me. I don’t really know why it doesn’t happen that often and it’s partially why I wonder if he’s settling – I feel like he’s just not that excited by sex with me. We usually have sex once week, on a weekend morning, and I’m starting to hate it. Not the sex itself, but the predictability of it. I don’t want sex to be a routine and I want to go out for dinner and flirt and tease and know that we’re going to go home and satisfy the pressure that’s been building all evening. I try at other times of the day – although less and less as it so rarely happens it’s starting to feel pointless to try – but he’s always too tired at night and distracted by other things during the day. It could just be that we have different sex drives, but he seemed to want it more when we first started dating…
- He’s a loner – he likes to be on his own and it’s hard for him to spend a lot of time with me. I know because he told me once, which was slightly hurtful. He has his own house and he’s struggled to make space for me there – he’s given me some wardrobe space, but this last weekend was the first time that I’ve washed any clothes at his and I certainly don’t have a key (I think he’d be horrified at the thought – he’s so possessive about the house). Then we don’t seem to spend all that much time together – and the time that we do spend with each other isn’t always at his choice. We usually see each other at the weekends and once during the week, but that’s only because I kicked up a fuss when it was only the weekends. I do feel a bit that you should want to see someone more when you’ve been going out with them for a while and it should flow naturally that you spend more time together. But that’s not the case with SG.
So there you have it. All the less-than-ideal aspects of our relationship (according to me). And in fairness to SG, I’ve been very uncertain about us (I still do), so perhaps he does have some reason to be reserved and slow-moving. But it also makes it all the more difficult to get over my reservations.
SG and I had a “talk” this morning and we’ve decided to take a bit of time out to think about whether this relationship is the right thing for us.