It’s been four months since SG and I ended things and I still hurt a bit, but I’m in a better place now. And that’s made me reflect on what qualities I’m looking for in a guy. I’ve had two serious relationships in my life and what worked and what didn’t in those seems like a good place to start.
1. Security: the first relationship (he was American so I’ll call him A) made me feel very insecure. He would blow hot and cold the whole time and sometimes go days on end without talking to me. Plus, I was never sure that he didn’t have a crush on my flatmate. They were really good friends from before we started going out and she’d frequently stay at his. When we were on a break, he crashed in her bed once and she’d often stay at his. I know nothing happened, but it still fed my complex and he shouldn’t have done it. So the first thing I want is someone who can make me feel confident that they like me and want to be with me over anyone else.
2. Opinionated: A and I could spend hours arguing. Both in the debating and in the fighting sense. Sometimes we’d start watching a film and get into a debate in the first five minutes about some minor plot point and end up so deep in discussion that we’d miss the entire film. We could have an epic debate on pretty much anything: culture, politics, history, art, books, geography… And as for the other type of arguing, well at least it cleared the air. Neither of us ever nourished grudges or got secretly annoyed with the other, we’d just fight it out and deal with it.
SG was the absolute opposite. He’d never tell me if I’d irritated him – or occasionally he’d bring something up months later that had clearly been festering that whole time. That was a bit irritating. Why spend months nursing a grievance about something so small? Get it out and move on. So I want a guy who has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them.
3. Sex: A and I had mismatched sex drives. When we did have sex, it was great. But sadly it didn’t happen very often. I didn’t consider myself as having an unusually high sex drive, but once or twice a month is definitely not enough for me. With SG, we also didn’t have sex as often as I’d have liked (although fortunately more than with A!), but this wasn’t really about misaligned sex drives and more about chemistry. We had chemistry when we first started seeing each other, but we didn’t spend enough time nurturing it – flirting, teasing, experimenting – and things got awkward and I started to feel undesirable and went cold on him in response. So I want someone I can flirt with and who I click with sexually and who is willing to work on it.
4. Consideration: I knew, even in the early days with A, that he was inconsiderate. He never thought about me or the effect of his actions on me. He never once put himself out to make me happy. It wasn’t that he didn’t think my feelings were important – it just didn’t even occur to him to consider them. I knew after him that I’d never date someone so inconsiderate again. And SG wasn’t; the opposite in fact.
It makes my heart melt even now to think of some of the wonderful and kind things that SG did for me – he’d ferret out restaurants I didn’t know about which cooked my favourite cuisine; he’d book tickets to a show if I mentioned that I wanted to go; he cooked pastry from scratch because I said I liked to eat non-processed food; he brought me breakfast in bed when I felt ill. And so many more sweet and lovely things. I’d like any new guy I dated to be as kind and caring as that.
5. Curious: A and I met when we were both living abroad and it takes courage to move to a foreign country. But A was never particularly interested in travel. He’d go if someone invited him, but he never made any plans himself and he certainly wouldn’t go anywhere alone. He’s also, even now, doing the same job he had when we met (over 10 years ago).
SG liked travelling, but never off the beaten track. He’d go silent and change the subject when I mentioned going somewhere adventurous. He also wasn’t particularly interested in learning or trying new things. If we’d hear about something new or random, I’d immediately want to go and look up more information. SG was fine with just a simple easy answer. I’ve attended evening classes to learn a new language, I love going to museums, I find non-fiction fascinating and SG never had that thirst for knowledge. I’d like any new guy to be interested in learning new things and adventurous enough to try them.
This seems like quite a long list and maybe I’ll have to compromise somewhere, because no one’s perfect. But I guess knowing what’s important to me is at least a good start.
girlinislington 