It’s been six weeks since SG and I split up and I’ve spent a lot of time since it happened thinking about him and about us. It was about three weeks before we broke up that I started wondering if that’s what had to happen.
I’d thought about it before, but I’d never taken those thoughts seriously – I’d always wanted to be with him more than I didn’t, if that makes any sense.
But then we had an argument and SG upset me – he (uncharacteristically) overreacted to my adding up a bill wrong at a restaurant – and I left and went home. I’d never been able to walk away from him in the past, no matter what we’d argued about or who was in the wrong. It felt like something had changed. And, yes, something had shifted. All the affection was still there, but the excitement was missing. We took a week’s break after that argument and then another a couple of weeks after that. And then we broke up.
So what went wrong? I don’t think it was really that something went wrong; more that there were underlying issues that we’d never addressed. SG is a bad communicator and he wasn’t ever able to tell me what he wanted from me or give me the reassurance that I needed. I do wonder if we could have solved things with better communication.
I’m a commitment-phobe and I spent so much time almost looking for reasons why it wouldn’t work. For example, I was overly scared by our differences. Every time I realised we had some different goal or even taste, I freaked out. I freaked out because he wasn’t bothered about the quality of the coffee that he drank (whereas he thought I was overly fussy); I freaked out because politics didn’t upset him; I freaked out because he wasn’t as adventurous a traveller as I am; I freaked out because he liked mowing his lawn (yes, I realise that’s stupid looking back!). And many more things that probably made him feel judged and inadequate.
I was wrong; but it was mainly because I was afraid of being in a relationship and of settling down rather than because those things were deal breakers for me. I did try to explain to SG, but I’m not sure he properly understood and he certainly never tried to give me the reassurance I was asking for. He’s not naturally an affectionate person – he can come across as quite cold. He’s not. He has feelings, but he’s not good at showing them and I really need that.
And for him, I guess he probably wants someone less firey, calmer and more predictable. I know he often felt that I’d get angry at a moment’s notice and it made him feel like he was on edge all the time.
So things have ended. I was pretty much numb for about two weeks, which at the time I thought meant I’d be fine – I’d deal with the break-up quickly and move on. I even downloaded Tinder – not really thinking about dating but because I thought it would be fun to window shop and think about the future. But as I swiped through those guys on Tinder, I realised how totally unmoved I was by any of them. I was pretty much unmoved by anything or anyone those first couple of weeks.
But then the feelings started to come crashing back. There is a great sadness that moves up and down between my throat, my heart and my stomach. I keep remembering what a good person SG is. What his laugh is like. How he smells. What it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night and have him next to me. How kind and unjudgemental he is. All the good things that I probably never valued enough while we were together. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I miss him.
I’m trying to keep in my mind the reasons we broke up. Despite all his good qualities and all the things I liked about him, he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t giving me what I needed and I did have strong doubts.
And anyway in the end, he broke up with me. For all the doubts I had, it was him who made the final decision. So I can’t change my mind – it’s not up to me. And that hurts too – that he gave up on us, on me. I have no choice but to get through this. And I will.
Although strangely there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to get over him – it hurts to think that there’ll be a time when he’s not so important to me anymore. But I know there’ll always be a corner of my heart that’s reserved for SG. I just have to hope that as time goes on it’ll shrink and I won’t need to visit it as often as I do now.