That elusive spark

Yesterday, during our break-up conversation, SG said that he didn’t think there was a spark between us. That hurt. But it also got me thinking and going back over certain events in our relationship.

When we first meet, I found SG attractive, but too quiet – literally, and in the way he lives his life. But he was so patient and kind and I valued him so much and, slowly my feelings started to grow and deepen.

Because it took time for things to develop, we’d been dating for a while before we had sex. When we did though, well, SG is a pretty well-proportioned guy and it took a bit of getting used to on my part. But outside of the size issue, it was really good. I remember saying to my flatmate afterwards that he seemed so shy and reserved on dates, but he wasn’t like that in bed. He was confident and we laughed a lot. It was fun.

I thought – we both thought – that with time, sex could be really great between us. We were both excited for the time when I was on the pill and there were no condoms to slow him down (which was a bit of an issue for me because I could only handle the size for so long!).

After a couple of months SG invited me for a weekend away and, I remember him whispering to me that we could have ‘lots of lovely sex’ while we were away. I packed my sexiest underwear and wore a different set every evening. But it didn’t really happen in the end. We were staying in a tiny B&B with a bed that creaked something chronic and we were a bit self-conscious about the other guests, plus breakfast was early and we ended up getting up for it every day and never actually had a lie in. We had sex a couple of times I think, but hardly ‘lots’.

And I feel a bit like we never did get to that promised land of lots of easy sex. I don’t think it was either our faults. Just a series of awkward situations that built up…

One time, not long after the weekend away, we decided to stay in and order pizza. I wanted to have sex while we were waiting for the pizza to be delivered, but he was worried that the delivery guy would arrive in the middle so he said no. But then he was angry and down on himself himself for lacking impulsivity. And so I was I a bit to be honest. Although he was right about the pizza guy as it turned out and the whole thing blew over and it should have been nothing. But there was a next time and a time after that it it just continued – me feeling that he wasn’t enthusiastic about sex.

Once I decided to seduce him during the daytime and after an increasingly passionate kiss in the kitchen, we decided to move upstairs, Or at least I did. I got half way undressed before going to check where he was – cleaning up in the kitchen! He said he wanted to give me some time to sort myself out, but I didn’t want time, I wanted passion.

When he started to come around to mine on weekday evenings, at first when he’d ring the bell and I’d get butterflies and I’d rush down to let him in and pull him close for a kiss – not in some perfunctory way, I wanted to kiss him in a way that would leave us both breathless and wanting more. But he was too self-conscious and I never got those kisses, and we never did just spend the whole evening as I wanted in bed forgetting the world – and it got to me.

These sound silly, but looking back on it, they weren’t one-offs. So many similar things happened and I started to lose confidence in my sex appeal with him. I stopped wearing sexy lingerie and I stopped trying to seduce him during the day. I stopped trying altogether really. (It probably didn’t help that the pill I’ve been taking has the same effect as a damp squib on my sex drive – why do they make pills that do that?! It sucks.)

And him? I don’t know what he felt; he never really told me. He said to me once that he’s not really a sex-in-the-afternoon person and maybe I should have taken more notice of that. I did attempt to talk to him about how I was feeling, but he takes things so personally and feels them so deeply that I think every time I tried to talk to him about this, I made it worse – his confidence went down.

We started having sex less and even though I was wanting it less because of the pill, I still got upset about it and that probably just made things worse.

We broke up yesterday, but we hadn’t had sex for about three weeks before that.

I’m still attracted to SG, but perhaps he’s right, we never properly managed to fan that spark into a flame. I wanted to though, and it hurts a lot that maybe he didn’t. I wish we’d tried harder – I wish he’d tried harder. I feel a bit like he gave up on something that was worth trying to solve.


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