We’ve broken up

SG and I broke up today. It’s strange that I’m writing this and not curled up in a ball on my bed crying, but I’ve been wondering if we need to break up for a month or so, and I’ve been hurting all that time, so the shock is less drastic than it otherwise might have been.

At first, I just wanted him to be more assertive and flirtatious and I was a bit worried about how we’d muddle through having different goals and ambitions in life. But as time went on, the want and worry started to build up until it started to influence how I interacted with him and I was judging him against these things the whole time and putting up a wall between us and not thinking about the good things. I think he noticed a bit, but he never said anything – he’s the type who’ll never talk about anything unless absolutely forced. I wanted him to though – I hate his silences and reservation. But all I was doing was pushing him away. I’m good at that. I can’t seem to stop myself – even when I want him close, I seem to push him away. Anyway, this was the awkward status quo for a while.

Then he invited me to go with him to his parents’ for Easter. I’ve never met his parents before and I should have been nervous but happy that our relationship was taking a step forwards. But all I could feel was dread and all I could think was ‘no, I can’t do this.‘ We hadn’t had sex for almost a month – my fault – I gave off cold vibes the couple of times he tried (mainly because even though he tried, I didn’t believe he wanted to).

Plus we’ve been going out for over a year and he has never told me he loves me. I don’t know exactly, but I think he might have said it if I’d said it first, but I needed him to be the first to say it because of things that have happened in my past. This has been a bit of an issue for me for a while – I’d wanted so much to hear him say those words, or, if he doesn’t love me, of course we should split up. I needed to know. I just couldn’t meet his parents and act like everything was fine. So anyway, I told him that I didn’t think our relationship was in a strong place and it wasn’t the best time to be meeting his family.

He acknowledged my message and then he went cold. He stopped messaging except short, very polite messages. At first I thought it was just that he was offended, but it was more than that. It wasn’t me in control any more. It wasn’t my decision and my complexes any more. Now he was thinking about us and our future too. We decided – or he asked – to have a week apart. But from the long silences between messages, it was clear that he had a lot to think about and he was seriously considering ending things. I started to feel a little scared and confused.

I know there were things wrong with our relationship and I’ve been worried that they are things that can’t be fixed, but I guess I thought we’d keep trying for longer because I care so much about him and I like sharing a bed with him and spending time with him and the way that he smells and so many other things. And I guess I’m not ready to give that up – and the optimistic part of me imagined that perhaps he could change and become more outgoing, more confident, more assertive and, above all, more flirtatious, which is what I really needed from him. And that I could become calmer (I have become a bit clamer since I’ve been with him) and easier to live with. I guess I wanted to much.

We met up this evening and I knew that he was thinking about breaking up with me from the beginning. He didn’t touch me voluntarily and he didn’t kiss me, except on the cheek. I spent a fair bit of the evening trying not to cry as we watched a show. Although actually, he would have left at the end without resolving things, and perhaps we could have dragged things back from the brink by ignoring the last week. But of course I had to push it. If we were going to break up, I just felt, better to get it over and done with. And it’s not like I’d been entirely certain about the relationship.

Then he said that he didn’t think there was much of a spark between us. And God that hurt. Because I think he’s so attractive and so much of my issue has been wanting to have more sex (although I guess wanting it my way – at night after an evening of flirting rather than his way – in the morning). I guess I wasn’t surprised when he said that (given the lack of sex), but it hurt. I wanted so much to try and persuade him to change his mind, but I didn’t know if was being contrary – I’ve had doubts after all – and how can you make someone feel something they don’t? I have had issues about feeling attractive to him and I guess I had reason.

He also said that he didn’t think that either of us were able to blossom as people in the relationship. That also hurt as well. I hadn’t thought that. I thought he was helping me to learn more about myself and to become a better, calmer person.

Then he had to leave and catch his train. It was an anticlimax really. We just hugged and said goodbye. He suggested we meet up later in the week, but I said no, if he was sure about breaking up, then it would be best to leave it. I’d only think myself in circles waiting for his messages otherwise.

So I watched him walk away. He has a bit of an awkward walk and it was so bittersweet to watch: I know that gait so well – but it wasn’t my boyfriend’s walk any more, now he’s some guy who won’t message me any time soon. He turned around once and we stared at each other and we both raised an arm. Then he disappeared.

And now I’m at home drinking whisky (that he bought me) and wondering if he was in the right to end it or if I fucked up something amazing here. Because he was – he is-amazing in so many ways.