SG started a new job not that long ago and wanted to take me out to celebrate once he’d got his first pay cheque. He had a place in mind where he wanted us to go and arranged a date several weeks in advance as it’s a place that gets booked up quickly. He wouldn’t tell me anything about where we were going as he wanted to surprise me, but I knew it was going to be an expensive restaurant.
So the Friday before last I found myself heading off to Mayfair to meet SG. It went wrong from the first. I really wasn’t in an SG mood – I constantly swing from liking him and thinking how sweet he is to feeling as if I’m utterly indifferent to him, and that night I was definitely towards the latter (I must be horrible to date with all my constant doubts). Then SG was late. It wasn’t his fault (delays on the Tube) and I told myself not to get angry as I sat alone in a pub, but it wasn’t the best start.
When we got to the restaurant and I saw that it was a seafood restaurant, I was a little bit disappointed. I quite like seafood, but SG loves it, and it was obvious that he’d chosen the restaurant more for him than for me. But still, it was supposed to be a good restaurant so I was fairly interested to try it. We had arrived a bit early so we sat at the bar and ordered some cocktails.I started to perk up a little at this point – I had an elderflower and champagne concoction that was absolutely delicious and they gave us some olives to nibble on while we were waiting. It seemed like we were going to have a nice evening after all.
But then they took ages to show us to our table and in the end I asked SG to go and ask what was going on. He did, but I found it frustrating that he never does these things without being pushed. He’s naturally quite shy and very reserved, which is fine much of the time, but it does mean that he’s willing to put up with things that I never would because he doesn’t want to make a fuss.
We got our table eventually, but then ended up arguing over the starters. I decided to order one thing but then changed my mind as it was very expensive and I felt a little guilty. SG misunderstood and thought I was being silly and we both ended up being quite offended with each other.
Things just went on like this, with silly small thing on top of silly small thing, until by the end of the meal we were barely speaking. We walked back to the station together and the whole time SG walked ahead of me with me following and wondering if, when we got there, I was going to go back to his or to mine. I was upset and a bit angry and I didn’t want to go back to his, but he’d had this planned for ages and it wasn’t really his fault that things had gone so wrong. We’d just rubbed each other up the wrong way. Plus, I knew how offended and hurt he’d be if I left after he’d planned an expensive evening for us.
We got to the station and I still had this internal debate going around in my head. SG walked towards the platform to go to his and I ended up following, but I wasn’t really sure about it and when he put his arm around me on the train, I refused to relax into him and sat stiffly until he took his arm away. I regretted it the moment he did, but stupidly I wanted him to try again rather than wanting to make a move towards him myself. We got back to his and went to bed sleeping on opposite sides of the bed where we both spent most of the night tossing and turning and not speaking to each other.
What a disaster of a night. And it was probably mostly my fault.